Luxurious Cigars - 07/30/2011

Dear Luxurious Cigar Company,

I say that sarcastically! Who the jumping-fuck are you to advertise smoking on craigslist, a website children are known to frequent? Children?! With all the vices and problems in the flippin' world, the last thing my son needs is to have his mind polluted with the idea he can make money off this second-hand garbage you call a living? I hope your store has mirrors in it, so you can look into your own godless, dead-eyes and marvel at how morally depraved your life has become.

Do you think that all the people dying of tuberculosis and H1N1 and SARS feel good about themselves when they wheel-chair past your smokey den of sin? That must be nice for them, getting to watch bloated, upper-class status junkies self-satisfyingly huff away at their phallic fixations?

...

Okay, let's step back from the scenario I just wrote out. That angry customer in those first few paragraphs is an example of something I can deal with. If that woman were to angrily enter the store on some holier-than-thou soap box, I'd handle her like a under-sexed rodeo calf. You're probably wondering how I know that customer is a woman? Do we really need to go there? LOL.

Lets just say, I understand that some customers aren't happy with their lives, my wife for example, and they need to take it out on us guys just trying to earn an honest living. So quit busting my balls and let me find a job the way I know how to.


Speaking of women, here's how I'd manage that angry customer scenario. I'd lean in, not too close, but close enough for her to catch a whiff of my pre-shave. I'd be strong, remind her of daddy a little bit. She'd try to resist, but the bait I dangle is much too strong. Once I got her to calm down, I'd show her a nice selection of tobacco and explain to the woman how cigars are not unlike aroma therapy. Women love teas and candles that smell like shit and things. Fact. And then I'd rub her on her belly. LOL. Just kidding. I know a lawsuit when I rub up against one. Fact.

I think we have an understanding of what it is that I could bring to your store. During the holiday season, customers can be very agitated. I know how to work with people. I'm a people person. We all have our prejudices. I know I do. Winning smile, clean smell and compliments - these are just a few things I keep in my wheelhouse.

Okay.
Lets stop. Take a step back from what I just wrote.

The previous was an example of the kind of cover letter you probably didn't want. In reality, I'm just a guy looking for a job. I'm out of work, and I'm almost out of money. I hope you find my cover letter to have been a break from the norm. No one ever responds to my 'normal' cover letters, so I figured I'd try a different approach.

I don't know much about cigars, but I am a quick learner. Please reach out if you want to talk more.

Thanks,
Jeremy Borden

---JOB POSTING---

Luxury retailer seeks outgoing and hard-working associates (Austin - Arboretum)
Austin's premier destination for cigars and everything related is preparing for another busy fall and winter season! We're interviewing prospective associates who are outgoing, cheerfully take both direction and initiative, possess outstanding work habits, and show fanatical pride in teamwork, customer service, and sales.

Knowledge of cigars or pipes is helpful but not required; we can "coach you up," and excellent work habits will take precedence over knowledge. Availability on weekends, throughout Thanksgiving weekend (we're closed only for Thanksgiving Day), and through December (we're closed only on December 25) will be required. Both full- and part-time candidates will be given consideration. If interested, please respond with a resume as well as a brief statement about how you fit the description above