Luxurious Cigars - 07/30/2011

Dear Luxurious Cigar Company,

I say that sarcastically! Who the jumping-fuck are you to advertise smoking on craigslist, a website children are known to frequent? Children?! With all the vices and problems in the flippin' world, the last thing my son needs is to have his mind polluted with the idea he can make money off this second-hand garbage you call a living? I hope your store has mirrors in it, so you can look into your own godless, dead-eyes and marvel at how morally depraved your life has become.

Thanks Dominos! - 07/30/2011

Dear Automated Domino's Pizza Selection Team Response,

Thank you for taking that minute to carefully consider and ultimately reject my application for Domino's employment. I admit that my feelings were hurt at first, however I am aware my skills may not be what you're looking for in the competitive, nuanced world of giving up on myself in exchange for minimum wage. It's fair that you threw my aspirations in the toilet so quickly, as I have done that with your food on numerous occasions over the years. As a loyal customer, I have gone through 2 toilet seats in the last 9 months.

"Outdoor Footwear" Cover Letter - 07/30/2011

Dear Shoes Store (see below),

First, I should state how fortunate I am to have stumbled upon the possibility of a job-offering at one of New York's finest retail specialty foot stores. I admit, I originally came to the Craig's List in hopes of finding a discount escort service or freegan-style vittles (one in the same, if you ask me. Think of the old saying, "One man's trash..."). I didn't expect to see a rose such as yourself among the proverbial garbage, as it were.