"Outdoor Footwear" Cover Letter - 07/30/2011

Dear Shoes Store (see below),

First, I should state how fortunate I am to have stumbled upon the possibility of a job-offering at one of New York's finest retail specialty foot stores. I admit, I originally came to the Craig's List in hopes of finding a discount escort service or freegan-style vittles (one in the same, if you ask me. Think of the old saying, "One man's trash..."). I didn't expect to see a rose such as yourself among the proverbial garbage, as it were.

Based on how you describe your company, I can tell you're the kind of place that doesn't take itself too seriously. I admire that. I know how competitive the world of clothing pedestrians can be, especially in New York where most people are on their feet, outrunning criminals or chasing after victims. I wouldn't begrudge you for having the inflated sense of self-worth that seems so inherent in the world of feet. In fact, I'm surprised you even need people for sales. A product as fine as what you've described must sell itself, much like the aforementioned escort services (which, much like the toll roads in NY charge too much for the traffic they see on a daily basis if you ask me).

I see that you require my stature be trim and athletic. I have the trim part down, mostly because I am eating only one meal a day. Though I can fit into size 28 pants, if I have a belt, I must admit to you my stamina will need work, as my metabolism has slowed to that of a depressed sloth.

When it comes to confidence, I assure you that this is where I excel. Some days, however, I do get self-conscious because of the chronic gum-bleeding and resultant halitosis I experience. However, I assure you that the medication I am currently on kills off most of my negative thoughts before they manifest themselves in any sort of counter-productive fashion.

My experience with the outdoors has mostly been that of an urban nature, as most of my childhood was spent sleeping outdoors in alleys, mostly during the hours of my fathers rage-filled drunkenness. In an example of being a self-starter from an early age, I used these escapes as time to teach myself how to count to 100 and I memorized PI to 23 digits, which I will write at this moment: 

3.1234567891011121314151617181920212223. 

I have watched my share of "I Shouldn't Be Alive" - a thought I have anytime I gaze into the mirror. And I feel that if the store were ever to come under attack by bears, mountain lions, or feral badgers, I would excel in that moment, leading customers to safety and defeating said animals with only my wits and the energy one gets from eating trail mix on a daily basis.

My retail experience is that of none. This will be my first job.

I hope that my cover letter is worthy of your time as it was of mine. In the event of being selected to meet one of your managers, I would like at least 6 hours warning so that I will have enough time to retrieve my suit from the dry cleaners. 

Beggers can't be "shoesers"

Jeremy Borden

---JOB ON CRAIGSLIST---

Outdoor Camping & Hiking Footwear - Sales (Union Square)

One of New York's finest retail specialty stores is looking for associates to sell specialized footwear categories in our busy store. We offer a broad range of choices in outdoor footwear, rain boots, water shoes, fur lined boots, etc. We are looking for individuals who are fit and athletic and have experience, recent experience, as hikers, campers, i.e. individuals who are actually using the type of gear we sell.

In addition to having the participatory experiences outlined above we need to be comfortable that you can sell, with confidence and authority. We offer a very high level of customer service and one reason customers return again and again is their ability to work with our highly qualified sales associates.

The positions we seek to fill are permanent part time and we offer a full range of benefits and very pleasant work environment.

To apply, please send a thoughtfully written cover letter, noting in the subject line "Outdoor Footwear" . Explain what kind of experiences you have had in the outdoor areas of hiking and camping. Also, give us an overview of any retail experience you may have had.

We will review your cover letter and if there is a possibility that there is mutual interest we will contact you to invite you in to fill out our appliation and have a face to face interview with the manager.